Intro – VERTICAL LIMITS
March of 2014 came in with the gentleness of that precious lamb. However—the month was hell-bent, and decided to leave out with the ferociousness of the “lion in winter!”
A, very, disillusioned Elle sat on her sofa gazing at the blazing fire; trapped behind the tinted glass, of her fireplace. Her eyes were glazed over with abject sadness and heartache. She was there now, at the onset of uncertainty. Very unfamiliar territory for the, sometimes, neurotic beauty!
The ambers of orange and red began to highjack her inner most thoughts. Secrets are very peculiar entities—they can manifest out of control—before anyone is any the wiser. She tried, to no avail, of course, to conceal her inner most vulnerabilities: which seemed totally unless.
Elle’s emotions finally began to get the better of her; she was now entering into the dark spaces of her own psyche—that dark scary place, for many veterans of her caliber and experience (PTSD Survivor). The time had come for that woman to hit her “vertical limit”…only she wouldn’t pass out so easily, from the…shall we say…possible sensual aptitude! Something was certainly about to give. Winking.;-)
The tears, like the old auburn ambers, began to stream like a hot fire—endlessly down her face. The, sadden, beauty began to clutch the center of her chess gasping, in desperation, for air. That girl was completely out of sorts, and more frantic than ever she, literally, could not breathe. Emotions, within her, were starting to surface: which had lain docile for months. Ironically enough—-it was in that moment Elle realized that her life had spun further out of control than she could have possibly fathomed. The tension and distance between her and the outside world were of her own doing—-this woman was in over her head mentally and emotionally—something would have to give in her life (just not her)! Instinctively—Elle knew she was back in that dark world and struggle for survival (PTSD can be cruel that way). A conflict of both will and wit, to be honest. In life, it just doesn’t get more real than PTSD!
It would be during the revelation of that notion: which prompted her to conjure, from within her the willfulness to fight back—against the beast in her darkness (DESPAIR)! No…Elle…from that juncture began to plot and plan against her closed loneliness, and in the end, the lonely spot within her psyche’ would become her ZERO SUM GAME—at the end of it all (winner take all)! Great day in the morning, Y’ALL!
Looking back—had it not been for a few professional and personal triumphs—during the early months of Spring in 2014—Elle would have thrown in the towel, on the spot (her psyche was just about spent the hell out). However, that soldier and fighter within her couldn’t give up the control of her life…that easily. No…that quintessential “bitch” within her would essentially take a hard stand—the determined beauty had to fight the good fight!
Those of us who knew her well understood enough about her too, realize that Our ‘Battle Buddy and Cohort …only trusted that which she could control. If the woman could not control it…she would never trust it (total control freak)! Some proclaimed her to be a narcissist—while others tried to label her tyrannical, of course, to no avail. None of who or whom were brazen enough to share their views with said bitch…face to face. Elle may have been a wounded animal, so to speak, but surrender, by that defiant beauty, would never be an option: nor part of Lady Elle’s DNA!
The personal and mental losses over the years; relationship parasites; chaotic societal discourse, and longing to be loved for the woman she was had hardened apart of her…not the whole of her though (that girl was too strong for that)! Those losses may have kept her chained to the “darkness”—but all was not lost—-that tenacious beauty always saw the proverbial, light at the end of her tunnel. It was the hardness that assisted in keeping her focused, and on that path to reaching the beauty’s desired sensual and emotional end-state (…auh soldier). You have to both respect and envy that type of tenacity (knowing and accruing what you truly want in life)!
True to form—rather than take the final dagger, Elle resorted to “old faithful”—her sacred black book. That book may have been dusty, and buried at the bottom of her Armoire—still—it was filled with endless possibilities (emotional and sensual salvation). However, it had been six to eight months since she last updated her list of potentials (dating power players).
The notion of that was not enough to derail her ambitions of self-salvation. That girl was on a mission to salvage her “quality of life”, so to speak! The time had come to either “feast or famine”…no more tranquil appeasement (that desperation was no longer dormant). Elle was now in “game-changer” mode, and a new bar was set. This is where vertical limits come into play. Vertical Limits…is the highest point a mountain climber can ascend, before passing out. You gotta love that damn girl…she is something. I believe vertical limits were more than appropriate metaphor…lol.
Vis a Vis mental and emotional compartmentalization—the next beau to her life, or return to the forefront of it…would have to…shall we say…” bring the noise” (intellectually, emotionally, sensually, and financially)! Beyond any shadow of a doubt—the gentleman would have to hit the mark—he would have to, at the very least, tap that “vertical limit” without passing out…no shit! Many of her resources from that book popped in and out of her, but two very distinct beau’s rather stayed to hang out within the playground of her psyche’—the night Mixer and Mr. Cognitive Elitist himself. Can you guess which one moved quickly to the forefront? Yes…the Cognitive Elitist! She never could resist the enigmatic and intellectually stimuli that seem to drip from his lips…like the early morning dew. He was her “Jimmy Jew” (endearing nickname between the two). Of course, he would be the one to “bring her back to life” (as Evanescent would say in their song)!
Elle had the wherewithal to understand she would have to fight the good fight, so to speak, to reach the end state (outcome) of sensual bliss and greatness longing deep within her—which had alluded her…for far too long. The determined beauty would, finally, have to challenge her own existential and philosophical relationship ideologies (power over prudence). In a logic sense, it was time for her to fix the “hot mess” of a life she had acquiesced: by her own doing…settling to please others(family and friends). Yessssss—-this dismayed beauty would have to venture far outside of her comfort zones. This new train of thought seemed all too necessary if she wanted to conquer and kill her, now, stagnating loneliness.
A type of loneliness that was plaguing her life with an all get out…” no holds barred” type of unacceptability! Elle’s determination suddenly became a source of energy and strength. The loneliness which taunted and poked at the center of her stomach was now an ally because it made her more focused and fearless than ever to begin to live the life she felt she couldn’t have…or rather didn’t deserve. With her emotional and mental state now on the rebound…Elle sat back down, again, completely upright on that sofa—poised, ready, and non-ambivalent about her newfound mission—Elle was now a wanton woman! For how long…was anybody’s guess.
Instead of opening her book of potentials Elle elected to think a bit more progressively and strategically. Her mindset was clear and concise, as ever. Why seek the “game-changer” when you can simply change the rules of the game? A slight snicker escaped her lips, because that plotting beauty knew of only one acquaintance who could accomplish that mission with her—at the same time, staying on the same mental and emotional “sheet of music” with her, so to speak. Elle quickly popped open her phone to scale, or rather, descend through her contact list…there he was…hidden deep within her list (totally covered and concealed).
His name, purposely, disguised as Mr. ‘Cognitive Elitist”. A time will come when this determined beauty will wish she had left better enough alone. Mr. “Cognitive Elitist (Jon)” should stay just as he was—-buried deep within her phone…and psyche’ for that matter! Salvation, idyllically, came at a cost far higher than the Lady Elle would be willing to pay, in the end. Yet—Elle bought that ticket to board the high-speed monorail into utter emotional peril! Two emotional train wrecks— destine for utter sensual and emotional greatness, chaos, and unfortunately…its collateral damage. That love was so truculent and powerful that the two, would be, lover’s sacrificed the whole “kitty”, and everything else that was logical for it! But out there on that proverbial edge was Elle’s comfort zone—and Mr. Cognitive Elitist welcomed the invitation with great zeal a panache!
PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR THIS “READ A MOVIE BOOK” IN THE NEAR FUTURE…ITS GONNA BE SOMETHING!